To Charlotte

The Peace Corps application process is a long one.  Passing medical can take ages.  My face to face interview was three hours long, granted I asked lots of questions.  But the interviewer asked probably an hour’s worth of questions and I do not recall them ever asking if I had any fears.

Maybe that should be asked.

I do not know that I would have admitted to them then, but my fears have come to surface like I never thought they would and the malaria meds are NOT helping.

Number One:  I am scared of the dark.

When we go to the farm, on Friday or Saturday nights my cousins and I have certain rituals.  We go climb the fire tower, we go cross the covered bridge, we might play basketball, stop at the spring, build a fire at the train tunnel, throw firecrackers into the dam etc. but we usually end up at Hindostan.  Hindostan is a small dam, there used to be settlement there but it was mysteriously deserted.   

When you park beside the port-o-potty at Hindostan, you cross the lawn and it is always wet with dew.  Then you have to carefully maneuver down a mud slope to get down near the water where we probably build another fire.  Up until a couple years ago, I made my cousin Cameron hold my hand when we crossed the grass.  I do not like the dark.  Dad never lets up use flash lights because he wants our “eyes to adjust”.  Whatever.  Night hikes are only fun because they are terrifying.

Number Two:  I really hate spiders.  I’m scared.  I am scared of spiders.

At home spiders, I do not mind much.  You kill them and you go “Ewwwwwuugggggg” and then it is over.  No big, never really thought it counted as a fear.

 I have killed two camel spiders in the last two days, granted they were babies as pictured above.  A couple weeks ago I had one four times this size and four times faster run into my room and run out.  I was on my bed.  I secured the mosquito net around me and stood screaming until help came.

When I stepped in the shower tonight and saw this once chilling on my window I went for the Raid.  Say what you want about chemicals, I want them in my house always and forever.  I saw that the Raid said “For insects” so I had a feeling it would not work on arachnids but I tried anyway.  I sprayed and ran away.   I heard it running up the shower curtain and watched from a distance as it fell and scurried out of the bathroom where I was waiting with my flip flops in hand and I got him!  Why do I think it’s a legit fear and problem?  I shake, I shudder and I shake and say “EEEWWWUUGGGG” sometimes hoping from foot to foot.  I hate it.

 I always feel guilty when I kill anything, spiders included but camel spiders are the exception.   I still feel bad if I kill Daddy Long Legs.  DADDY LONG LEGS DO NOT SCURRY.  Things that scurry get killed and I do not feel bad about it.  I do not kill the geckos, they can do their thing.  Lizards are different, get out.

Anyway, every night before I go to bed I say to myself “Lock it dowwwwnn!”  And I pretend I am on a space ship locking my capsule down as I tuck in and secure my mosquito net.  Yes, I am grateful it keeps out mosquitoes, I am more grateful it keeps everything else out too.  UNLESS something gets in here with me and that’s a big scary thought so I do not think about it.

Sometimes I think the malaria prophylaxis gives me nightmares, like once I thought there was a giant camel spider hanging in front of me.  Of course when I turned on the light there was nothing.  That does not even make sense, I do not think they web but I was still shaking.  I hate it!

This morning I rolled over face first onto a spider, a big Daddy Long Leg type.  I had pulled open the mosquito net so I think it fell off the top and onto my bed where I defiantly squished it with my face.  Awesome.  Awesome way to wake up.  No.